Anxious Conversations

Sermon #4 on Conversations as Spiritual Practice

Hello, dear readers! For the second Sunday in a row, people laughed during the scripture reading. The story of Mary and Martha shines light on challenging family dynamics many of us face. My focus this week is on the role of anxiety in the conflict. Fear and apprehension makes every relational challenge harder. If we don’t deal with the anxiety first, then the most anxious person in the room with drive the conversation off the rails. Here is the brief scripture text:

Now as they went on their way, he entered a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him.^{[a] 39} She had a sister named Mary, who sat at Jesus’s^[b] feet and listened to what he was saying. ⁴⁰ But Martha was distracted by her many tasks, so she came to him and asked, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her, then, to help me.” ⁴¹ But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things, ⁴² but few things are needed—indeed only one.^[c] Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her.”

Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things. Martha is not the only one. Here are a few one-liners I heard this week:

·      I lost my job to Artificial Intelligence.

·      What kind of world are my kids and grandkids going to live in?

·      I'm afraid about this election.

·      I fear I am going to outlive the amount of money I need. 

·      I heard the church will do another capital campaign, and things will change.

These examples scratch the surface of our anxieties about money, sex, power, health, aging, parenting, and the acceleration of change. No wonder almost one in five people in America have some kind of diagnosed anxiety disorder where anxiety regularly limits life and health. So many of us are operating at a daily baseline of medium to high levels of anxiety, so one more thing puts us in a state of agitation. Anxiety management is crucial to accomplish anything, anywhere, in your family, church, job, or community. Jesus would tell us, "Martha, Martha; Todd, Todd.  You are worried and upset about many things.”

Unpacking the conversation between Jesus and Martha remains relevant to our modern problems. Do you identify more with Mary or Martha in this story? Martha symbolizes a faith focused on doing things. When Jesus and the disciples visit, loaves and fish do not miraculously appear to feed everyone. Dinner for twelve requires the skills of a field marshal. Providing hospitality is of great cultural importance, and Jesus is a distinguished guest, so Martha is focusing her formidable household organization skills on the guests' needs. 

In contrast, Mary is symbolic of the contemplative side of faith. What a great opportunity to sit at the feet and listen to a renowned teacher with his group of disciples. Hospitality is not just providing dinner; it's paying attention and engaging with the guests in exciting conversations. Have you ever been at a meal and wanted to tell the host, "This is a marvelous meal; just sit with us and enjoy it. We are here to see you!"   

The scripture tells us this is Martha's house, so she is likely the older sister, and neither sister has a husband. Martha had to be strong to run a household in a male-dominated culture. Who knows what challenges she faced to provide for her sister? The two sisters also appear in John's Gospel, which adds that Lazarus is their brother. When Lazarus dies, Martha confronts Jesus at the edge of town and says, "Where were you? If you had been here, my brother would not have died.” At Lazarus's resurrection party, Mary anoints Jesus with precious perfume, an extravagant gesture that draws the ire of Judas. Mary seems to be the person who senses the true import of the moment but also upsets everyone who prefers avoidance and the status quo. 

Here is the scene. Martha breaks a sweat, checks the bread in the oven, counts the table settings to ensure enough, and worries that she has put too much salt in the stew. "If Mary would only get off her butt and help me, this would not be so hard!" Martha could have gone to Mary and quietly whispered that she needed help in the kitchen. Or she might have been bold enough to point out to Jesus that if he genuinely believed in radical equality, could he spare some male disciples to peel potatoes and wash dishes? But, she is going to focus her anxiety on Mary. Listen to her opening salvo:

"Lord, don't you care that my sister left me to do the work alone? Tell her to help me!"

How much undercurrent, blame, and passive-aggressive martyrdom can you fit into one sentence? Don't you care? That is more attack than question. When someone says, "If you cared or truly loved me, you would do X," you are caught in a dilemma. You might have a good reason not to do X, but now, if you try to explain, you don't love Martha.  

The direct approach would have been for Martha to say, “I need help.”  Instead, she opts for saying, "My sister has left me to do all the work." Maybe Martha is right. This situation could be a regular family pattern between big and little sisters. But, it could also be Martha's self-imposed agenda, which she frequently pushes on Mary. At this point, you are tempted to drift from the sermon and ruminate over your last family row. You might be more sympathetic to Mary or Martha, and we all have these family grievances.  Anxiety makes them much worse.

Martha now brings down the hammer. "Jesus, tell her to help me." If Martha's goal was to get more help, she had several better avenues. Instead of being direct, she orders the person with the most status in the room to compel her sister. Beyond just help, she wants Mary to be embarrassed and humiliated in front of everyone. So, there it is, all the family's dirty laundry out in front of the guests. 

In family systems therapy, this is known as triangulation. When two people conflict, they get a third person involved to ease their distress. Occasionally, they want that person to mediate, but both parties usually want the third person to support their side. Emotional triangles are an attempt to gain 2-to-1 leverage in the conflict.  If you are the third person in the triangle, beware. One of them will be angry with you; possibly, both will turn on you after hours of shuttle diplomacy. Now, you are holding all their emotional baggage, which was the goal. Let’s find a third person to carry the anxiety we don't want to deal with. 

How do you deal with this anxiety in the moment?

Fortunately, Jesus knows better than to say, "Martha, just calm down." That line hasn't calmed anyone down since the beginning of language. He could have organized the disciples in a work party, but that would be giving into Martha's agenda and letting busyness rule the moment.

Martha, Martha. What does it mean when someone says your name twice? I found six other places in the Bible where God says someone's name twice. God calls out "Abraham, Abraham" to stop him from sacrificing his son Isaac. From the burning bush, God says, "Moses, Moses." Christ says, “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?”  Martha is in a very illustrious group. In each case, the person spoken to is in distress. There is something personal and comforting in hearing your name spoken twice. Each person in this circumstance is greatly valued by God and called upon for essential service. So, I think Jesus means this to be intimate and sympathetic. If you hear someone speaking in circles and can't stop talking, just say their name. Joe, can I say something here? It helps with connection.

Notice that Jesus is careful about triangulation and deals with the anxiety first. He addresses Martha's emotional state. "You are worried and upset about many things." Here is an interesting thing about these words. The Greek word for worried refers to the inner feeling of anxiety, while the word for upset is the outward manifestation seen in disturbance and turmoil. “I see your inner stress, and it is causing visible distress among us.”  Jesus is acknowledging Martha's feelings. When someone comes at you with intensity, it often helps to simply say, "You sound  angry." Or "You seem anxious." Often, the person starts to settle when they feel seen and noticed. 

Jesus also says to Martha you are worried about "many things." Maybe it isn't just the work or all about Mary, but many things get to Martha. Martha is a resilient and capable person, trying to practice hospitality. But anxiety gets to her. Maybe she was already simmering when Jesus arrived, feeling behind in her to-do list. She needed to finish her taxes and can't remember her Amazon password. She feels anxious around Peter and has high expectations for herself. A little perfectionism pushes her to the brink. She can handle five big things at once, but not six. She goes to a bad place.

Jesus says Mary has chosen the better place. Tradition assumes the better place is at Jesus' feet, learning like a disciple, which is a radical place for a woman. A contemporary Rabbi of Jesus' day said it was better for the Torah to be burned than read by a woman. Mary's choice upends patriarchal tradition, and Jesus says he will not take her place away from her. 

I also want to interpret the better place to be as a state of less anxiety. Mary is not better for choosing learning and contemplation and Martha is not worse because she chose work and hospitality. Both are essential to the spiritual path. But you can't do either one if you are anxious and worried. Learning to deal with anxiety is necessary to create anything. 

Here are two takeaways about the spiritual practice of conversations from this scripture.  First, when you are in a tense and conflictual situation, the temptation is to focus on the content of what is being discussed.  If you don’t diffuse the anxiety first, that won’t work.  The conversation will be driven by the most anxious person in the room, like Martha, and they will drive it off the rails.  The focus will become their fears, who to blame and resisting change.  Address anxiety first, then the content.

Second, the best thing you can do in any challenging situation is manage your own anxiety first. You don’t have to be a professional conflict mediator, just be a non-anxious presence.  When Martha turns up the heat, turn down your emotional thermostat.  Anxiety is physical, so breathe slowly and deeply.  One calm person in the room can change the dynamics.  Jesus said Mary chose the better place.  When you are less anxious, you can connect with the people around you rather than the drama. That place is the better one.